My insecurity started at an early age. I was the first one of all my friends to get boobs. Everyone commented on them. People would grab them and make comments about them and I would feel so embarrassed and ashamed of my body.
After moving from Utah to California I began strictly training in ballet. Then I was tiny! I had the smallest waist and I should have been happy with my petite figure. But even then I was the one with the boobs and short little legs. I would look at my class, filled with gorgeous ballerinas who where all taller then me and where built like sticks. Then I look at myself and see a short girl with big boobs. One day my teacher Tatiana told me she went through the same thing and said she would tape hers down. So I would try to do the same. I started seeing my self as not good enough because my body wasn't built the way all the ballerinas where built. I became scared to audition, scared to make friends and scared to perform. But Tatiana and Victor always saw something in me, after only one year of training I was invited to compete in my first ballet competition. ( only 5 out of the studio where invited) I was so excited to wear my first TuTu and perform my Raymonda variation. Then I was told the "truth" I had to lose 5 pounds to look like everyone else to be able to be competitive. They would tell me because I was so short I had to weigh less. So I started skipping meals here and there. I would watch my friends at school eat all the cookies and sandwiches. And I would just wish I could have some. So I slowly started sneaking food whenever someone wasn't looking. I was weighed every morning. And it was a good day when I lost weight and a bad day when I gained it. My weight became my identity.
I would go to audition and just start judging myself to the other dancers. They where always taller then me always skinnier and always more flexible. My mom could see the fear in my eyes and start saying, "they don't have your feet (something I've always been proud of) they don't have your performance skills and they don't have your personality." I would walk in to the audition and pretend I was Misty Copeland ( my idols since i can remember ) and pretend I had all the confidence in the world. And every audition I nailed it! I won many competitions and scholarships and got to dance most of my dream roles. But I was still depressed.
I literally thought if people knew I weighed less then 100 pounds they would like me better. I tried so hard to stay under that weight. But the binge eating got worse and the weight slowly came on. But I was 15 shouldn't I have been gaining weight? Now I understand it was my body trying to grow and I wasn't taking care of it properly. I was ashamed of everything. I felt like I didn't have any friends, dance was getting harder and more pressure to be the best and get my dream roles.
The third year of YAGP I was asked not to compete because I've gained weight. I was so embarrassed. My binge cycle continued. Don't eat for a week then binge and hide as mush food as I could. I'd started lying to my parents about what I was eating and it started a mess of lies that hurt my family for many years. I wouldn't go on dates because i thought boys wouldn't like me because I was "over weight" Ya I thought 110 pounds was overweight. Since I couldn't compete at YAGP my teacher took me to Germany to compete there. I loved it! I felt like I belonged in Europe, I won the top 3 awards in both contemporary and classical. I was only one of 6 Americans there. After the awards one of the judges came up to me pinched the side of my stomach and said "If you would just lose more weight every company would want you" I came home thinking I could never dance because of the way I looked.
I would avoid birthday parties and youth activities to "stay away from food" I would go to the beach in sweats and wear baggy clothes to hide my body. Now I look back and wish I could tell myself how AMAZING I looked.
But the depression and bad eating habits and thinking became wore the more I got older. Food became my best friend and kind of my only friend. I would eat to numb and then be so mad at myself for eating I would punish myself in other ways. I would call myself stupid and ugly and tell myself its because Im so messed up people dont like me.
Things at home became worse, in a weird way I wanted to "protect" my ED because it was the only way I knew how to cope. It was my safety. They lies became more then food I was hiding and It made my relationships their horrible. I would blame all these thoughts on other people. I never had the guts to stand up and tell myself to stop. I thought my parents hated me because I was fat. But they where truly mad about the lying.
I thought if I just got away from San Clemente and away from my parents and teachers everything could be better.
I got into the University of Utah in the Ballet department and thought my life was going to be better. It just got worse. I was in a whole new state going to a whole new school and had so much time on my hands and I would just go to every food place, lock myself in a room and eat until I was so sick I had to get rid of it. I would feel so alone. I didnt see all the amazing people around me who where trying to help me.
Then I thought if i moved to Provo then everything would be better, Id know more people, be closer to family. It HAD to fix my problems. I was trying so hard to run away from something that until I fessed up that I was the only one who can solve my problems, I would always be depressed.
Finaly I told myself I had to start being my own cheerleader. People have done what they could to help me and it was time for them to let go.
Every time a bad thought about myself or others came into my head I had to WRITE down the OPPOSITE. It became a constant battle.
I moved in with an amazing girl who really saved my life. She was and still is the hardest worker I know and inspired me to go out and do something myself.
My mom as always been an advocate of service and since I really wasn't mentally prepared for a mission I chose to go to Ukraine and serve there. FINALLY the fresh start I needed. It was a big challenge for me to leave behind the Old depressed Alexa and find the confident Ukrainian princess Alexa. I told myself to stop thinking about myself and start putting my love into the Slavic culture and I finally knew who I was.
(This is my Ukrainian Princess look :)I came back more ready to take on the world! I was binge eating less and less. I was doing healthy things to channel my depression. I started going back to church. The weight wasn't there in my mind. I learned to love myself.
I will always have those little voices inside me. I know now that thats is not God. Its Satan trying to make me depressed and hate myself. I know how to get them to go away. I confide in CJ and have a healthy relationship with food. Its not a bad thing. Its about being healthy and happy.
I try everyday to teach my dancers this. I never want them to feel the way I felt when I went into class. I want them to always know they are beautiful no matter what.
Thank you Kristi for sharing your story! I really look up to you, and I always have. I hope one day this will inspire someone out there too.
